OMG! Ponies!

What do I do when I get bored?  I think up lists.  After the jump is one of my major lists – women who – if reality was not an obstacle – I would fuck in a New York minute.  I’m not saying that it would be over in a New York minute.  Hell no.  Once again, reality aside, these are women who I would fuck for hours on end.  Then I’d fuck them some more.  What I mean is that, given my druthers, these are the ladies that make the Top Ten.

10.  Jennifer Grey:

She’s Jewish, just a little bitchy, and likes to piss off her parents.  Granted, I would probably have to listen to her whine endlessly but she is pretty hot.

Patrick Swayze is some pretty tough competition but he’s got cancer and I could probably take him in a fight now.  I don’t care how good of a dancer you are; if the choice is between me without a gaping head wound and you with your brain matter splattered all over the floor because I’ve bashed in your head with a pipe, I win the girl.  Pain don’t hurt but a fractured skull does.

And that is how I plan on winning Jennifer Grey over.

9.  Mrs. Claus:

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking I’m really fucked up.  But where does it say that Mrs. Claus is old?  All we know is that Mrs. Claus is married to Santa.

Think about it.  Santa spends about 350 days a year overseeing his workshop and working on lists.  Then, he spends a week going over his flight plan in preparation for Christmas.  And the week after Christmas, Santa alternates between being dead to the world and being drunk off his ass.

The bottom line is that Mrs. Claus hasn’t been screwed in centuries.  Not only that, but where there’s Santa, there are toys.  Personally, I’d like to think that the slutty Mrs. Santa outfit is the real Mrs. Santa; if I was Santa, would I settle for someone who looks like Barbara Bush?

8.  Mia Sara:

Mia was in one of the most influential movies of all time.  As Sloane, she gave me a reason to want to go to high school – slutty hot chicks who dig smart-asses named Matthew.  Sure, she didn’t really give a rat’s ass if Cameron lived or died – but she could do a passable impression of someone who cared.  Sloane was able to feign caring – at least at a porn starlet level.

Not only that, she was in Legend – a movie so horrible that it’s good.  Sure you have to overlook the Scientologist douchebag but other than him, Legend has a lot to offer.  Chief among them – Mia Sara.  Although she’ll never admit to it, she and I both have the same dream:

Me fucking her with a unicorn cock.

7.  Tie – Princess Peach, Princess Leia, Princess Jasmine:

This is a three-way tie.  Ideally, it would be a foursome with me involved.

Foursomes are great.  What’s great about them is if someone chickens out, it’s okay because you’re still in a menage-a-trois.  And if someone gets all pissy because she’s not getting fucked and leaves in a huff, that’s okay too because you’re still having sex.

Here’s how I would arrange this.  First, I’d ask Princess Peach because I know she has a thing for short pudgy hairy guys.  She could have had Luigi but she went for Mario.  So Princess Peach would be all over me.  Then I’d ask Leia.  She’s cool with three-ways.  And after I had Peach and Leia on board, Jasmine would be right at home because it would be like a harem.  Plus, my nose looks like Aladdin’s nose and I’m a thieving wisecracking bastard.

I’d want Leia to do the bun thing with her hair so it would be easier to skull-fuck her.  I imagine you can get a pretty good grip with those buns.  Theoretically, if one of them bailed on me, I would call up the Princess from Voltron.  She’s used to orgies.

6.  Susanna Hoffs:

Susanna Hoffs is on my list because she was the best part of one of the greatest videos of all time.  Here’s a little stroll down memory lane -

“Slide your feet up the street bend your back/Shift your arm then you pull it back/Life is hard you know (oh whey oh)/So strike a pose on a Cadillac.

If you want to find all the cops/They’re hanging out in the donut shop/They sing and dance (oh whey oh)/Spin the clubs cruise down the block.”

Now look down.  If you’re like me, you have a raging boner stiff enough to hang drywall off of.  I’ll give you a minute.

5.  Scarlett:

I’ve got a thing for redheads.  However Scarlett from GI JOE beats out Firestorm.  I know that Firestorm can fly.  Also, she can set things on fire.  In spite of these things and even though I think that Scarlett has fucked the entire JOE team and probably half of COBRA, I still have to go with Scarlett.

For starters, I’m pretty sure I’d have to wear an asbestos condom to fuck Firestorm.  Plus, Lady Jane and Scarlett catfighting would really be hot.  At the end of the day though, the burning sensation I’d end up with after having sex with Scarlett is better than the burning sensation I’d end up with after boning Firestorm.  And that’s why Scarlett is on my list and Firestorm is not.

4.  Strawberry Shortcake:

Shortcake rates this high simply because of the orgy potential.  What are the chances that any of them have ever been fucked?  Slim to none.  I don’t even think what-his-face has a dick.  And if he does, it’s never been taken out of its wrapper.

So there I’d be – going down on Strawberry Shortcake – when Apple Dumplin’ would come by wondering what all the moaning was all about.  Then she’d want to be fucked.  Then Raspberry Tart would come by.  And Lemon Meringue.  And before you know it, I’m banging the lot of them.  One giant fruit-flavored orgy.  Plus, I’ve always had a thing for scratch-n-sniff stickers.  I can only imagine what they taste like down there.

3.  JEM:

JEM is excitement.  From what I’ve heard, she’s also a demon in the sack.  I don’t know if it’s the freaky makeup or the big hair or what.  I don’t think it’s the makeup because I don’t want to fuck Daryl Hannah.  I don’t think it’s the big hair either because, believe it or not, I never had a thing for Samantha Fox.

Remember Samantha Fox?  Every guy wanted to fuck Samantha Fox in the Eighties.  Except me.  She had nice tits (I don’t think they’re nice anymore) but she was way too trashy.  Ripped fishnet bodystockings and tits the size of a toddler’s head.  But I never liked Samantha Fox.

However, JEM was possibly the most strokeworthy character aimed at girls on TV in the Eighties.  I’m not limiting it to cartoons – JEM was hotter than Blair, Jo, Natalie, and Tootie combined.  Oddly, Jerrica doesn’t do it for me.  She reminds me of an even more boring version of Kim Basinger.

JEM on the other hand – I would fuck JEM until her ass bleeds.

2.  Cheetara:

Do I really need to explain this one?  It’s Cheetara.  I’m betting you’re masturbating to this picture right now.

More boys masturbated to Cheetara than to Sheena Easton, the Solid Gold Dancers, the Lakers Girls and the Dallas Cheerleaders combined.

She’s like a slutty version of Grizabella from Cats.  And she doesn’t have those stupid legwarmers.  Again, like JEM, she’s got that makeup thing going on.  Kind of hot.  Admittedly, it’s kind of freaky knowing that Lion-O could be watching with the Eye of Thundera but being able see the expression on Tigra’s face when I tell him that I fucked Cheetara makes up for it.  I don’t think I’d let her suck my cock though; cats have that scratchy tongue thing and I don’t think I like the idea of sandpaper on my dick.

1.  Madonna in her “True Blue” phase:

Madonna looked best in “Papa Don’t Preach” and “Open Your Heart”.  When she got all freaky-deaky in Erotica, I tuned out.  Not really.  But she wasn’t as hot as before.

In “Open Your Heart”, she was a stripper.  A hot stripper.  With tassels and corsets.  And she hung out with 13 year-old boys.  Considering I was thirteen when the video came out, the last one is the real kicker.  It means that I had a chance with her.  because when I was thirteen, “famous corseted stripper in a peep show with a thing for teenagers” was the ultimate stroke fantasy.

So, two decades later, I still want to fuck Madonna from “Open Your Heart”.  Not only that, but “Papa Don’t Preach” really put it over the top because it sent me the message that she’s slutty, has poor judgment, and not many options.  So I – being a 13 year-old – was a viable candidate for her affection.  I know.  It’s a ridiculous premise.  But I was thirteen and masturbated more than a bonobo hopped up on ecstacy.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2009 during the morning rush and is filed under Thoughts, Unicorns, girls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.