It’s the new year.  I’m recovered from my hangover, I had my good-luck herring (along with a ton of other smoked fishes) and I binge-watched a season of The Wire.  In my salt-laden, couch-flopped, pajama clad funk, I remembered a subject that came up at a particularly geeky party I attended last weekend – Bacon Salt.  That got my mind filled with heady visions of bacon sandwiches sprinkled liberally with Bacon Salt.

In my delirium, my thoughts wandered to where they always wander (when my hand doesn’t wander) – killing people.

I realized that if people tasted like bacon, there would be no overpopulation and no starving.  Which, while thinking of Bacon Salt, made me wonder what people would taste like if you seasoned them with Bacon Salt.  Bacon-y?  

Do the cuts of a pig coincide on the human body?  Can I get the rich, smoky flavor of bacon from the muscles around the human abdomen?  I’m not looking for “tastes a lot like real bacon”.  I’m looking for “is completely indistinguishable in taste and texture from bacon from a pig”.  People rinds and people pernil for everyone. 

If this is not possible, there needs to be money spent making it happen.  If it is possible, I’m going to Home Depot this weekend so I can buy a smoker and a cord of applewood.



Similarly, does any part of a person taste like sirloin?  People tasting like pig is good.  Some people tasting like pig, while others tasting like beef, opens up a whole world of culinary possibilities.  If not, get some research funding.  If so, I need to fiddle with the family recipe for Beef Stroganoff. 



There could be regional barbecue cookoffs.  Just like Texas, Tennessee, Kansas City, and the Carolinas constantly argue as to whose State makes the best barbecue, if some people taste like pork while others taste like beef, the debate could be further explored. 

Then I thought, “Sure, you could season a person to make them taste like bacon, but wouldn’t it just be easier if we made them start off tasting like bacon?  If we’re willing to genetically modify crops and animals, why not ourselves?  Good for the goose and all that.” 

Of course, cannibalism is ordinarily not a strong foundation upon which to build a civilization, but some of the world’s ills can be cured through genetic research into making people taste like bacon. I think that, at 6 billion people, the human population can absorb a good deal of loss from cannibalism. 

On a large scale, with proper socialist motivations, cannibalism can be put to good use. Instead of Brazilians clear-cutting forests for farmlands, there could be a revolution, whereby the favelas rose up, rounded up all the rich and corrupt, and exported their meat to sell in McDonalds.  Sadly, in reality, most meat would probably come from the favelas themselves but I can dream. 



Then there’s the sociological benefits to be gained from cannibalism.  For example, all those fit and trim guys with the well-defined abs…. please see above re: figuring a way to make bacon that is completely indistinguishable in taste and texture from human abdominal muscles.  There’s a certain poetic justice (or Schadenfreude) in obnoxiously fit rich people being fed to slightly overweight middle class people who have poor body image because of unrealistic notions of human beauty which are derived from the obnoxiously fit rich people. 



Brittney Spears is a little chunky.  Put that fat to use.  Slow roast her.  Angelina is kind of stringy, but I’m sure you could still turn her into stew.  Name a celeb – I’ll tell you how to cook them.



“The Lottery” isn’t just a fun little short story.  It’s a starting point.  Nations of the world should step up census and identification technology if only to use it to randomly select a citizen to be made into food.  Seriously, why are we wasting perfectly good refrigerators, specially designed and built to keep dead people fresh and tasty, if we’re not going to eat them afterwards?  That’s like buying a gallon of milk and not drinking it.  Dead people are food.  Not to mention all of the perfectly good meat that we pour chemicals on and then bury.
 Obviously, sick people should not be food.  You don’t know where they’ve been.   Another reason for universal health care.  Keep the population healthy and tasty. 

Plus, more cannibalism means fewer people, which would put a far lower strain on natural resources, lower greenhouse gas emissions (except for the part where people are cooked), and give an answer to the age-old question: War – what’s it good for? Eating people, that’s what.

Ideally, with enough research into making people taste like animals we presently eat, we could make an all cannibal bacon-cheeseburger. Just make some people taste like bacon and other people taste like beef.  And figure out a way to make Cheddar cheese from human breast milk. Sure, you can probably make some variation of brie or havarti out of breast milk at present; but I want to know if you can make Cheddar.  Brie on a bacon cheeseburger goes against the essence of the cheeseburger.  Cheddar is better. 
I want someone to make Cheddar cheese from human breast milk.


I’ll have to put more thought into a proposal to submit to the UN. But if I can get Bono on board with cannibalism research (or Angelina – maybe that’s why she doesn’t eat), I think we can take a closer step to a pro-cannibal society. 

This is what I think about when I’m half-awake and recovering from a hangover.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pour myself a Bacon Mary.